I Like Skating
I like skating. It’s the only sport that Russians are good at, and no one can deny it. Well, that and drinking. We say it’s not true, but it really is. Lately though, skating has become exceedingly dangerous. Maybe not as dangerous as spelunking, or shark-baiting, or telling your girlfriend she’s gained weight, but nevertheless dangerous.
I went skating last Saturday, and several times I caught myself praying that I survive. It was like being on a highway where everyone is a 80 year old without glasses (that was edited to be less racist). It was scary. I had people going across me, in front of me, and some people going straight at me. Just plowing. They see me, but they don’t do anything, like it’s a game of chicken or something. And you know what? I’m chicken! I’m not even gonna deny it. Some people were actually talking on their cellphones and skating at the same time! There was a whole bunch of little kids (or as I call them lil kamikaze weiners) lying on the ground ot all times.
The rink is like the place where emo little kids go. What they do is move in front of you, and then fall. On purpose. What the hell am I supposed to do? Jump? What are they, suicidal?
And then ther’s that one guy. Width of two, but 1 person. That guy that has an accelerator, but no concept of what brakes are. I think his name is hank. First time I saw him I thought he was a Zamboni. He was big, blue, and people ran away from him. The guy moves at insane speeds, and has such a high momentum people actually bounce off of him, over the glass, and right into the bleachers. Sometimes an unsuspecting person who stopped to rest will suddenly see Hank going straight at them. The only thing to do is use the deer reasoning – Hey, ther’s a huge object moving at me at a giant speed. What do I do? I KNOW! I’ll STARE HIM DOWN! People got hurt. That guy is more dangerous than Chuck Norris (well not really, because nothing is).
Skating is like a blood sport. It’s a bunch of people skating around in circles, like in a mosh pit and everyone has a knife attached to their feet. It’s the scariest shit ever.
I like skating. But next week I’m going skiing.
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